Don't Let The Demons Win!!

    FEELINGS V.S. Your MIND

    No Matter who we are in life we all have this constant battle between our mind and our feelings. Your feelings will constantly feel sorry for you, try to take that extra break in the day, or tell you to go back to sleep when it's early outside. On the other hand your mind will want to do what is good for your body by going for that run, studying the material you've been procrastinating, or giving your mind the reset that it needs by meditating.

    It's easy to fall back into old habits when things aren't going well and you feel like the world is crashing down around you. The reason we tend to fall back into old habits is due to the fact that we are comfortable with are feelings, a safe space. Those "safe spaces' can be very dangerous and cause you to become stagnate and lack productivity and personal growth. If you feel like that this describes you and your current situation, don't feel bad it happens to everyone, like when you are constantly going to the gym and your body plateaus your mind can do the same thing. in fact I just went through a mental plateau myself, and it took me three months to find the courage to pull myself out of it. I'm going to discuss in this blog how I ended up falling back into those old unhealthy habits.

The Journey

    Before I start to explain how I made it out of the sandtrap of my feelings I have to explain the reason I fell into it to begin with. My steady decline started in February when I received a phone call that my Grandpa was in the hospital. At this time I was still on my deployment and thriving, posting two blogs a week, going to the gym, reading, and meditating everyday of the week. I felt as though I had hit my peak and could take on the world. Once I received that phone call my whole focus changed from doing healthy things to strengthen my mind and body, to isolating myself drinking trying to drown my emotions. That method turned out to be the quckiest way to fall down mountain I tried so hard to climb. A few days after I received that phone call I answered a facetime from my cousin telling me it was time to say goodbye to him. He was attached to a ventilator and struggled to get his last "I love you" out. I told him how much he meant to me and we ended our call. Looking back now I am grateful that I had the opportunity to say goodbye and that I loved him. He was at peace, but I wasn't.

    Fast forward a month later I was just starting to get back on my feet and hitting my groove again. I began coping by utilizing the healthy habits I explained earlier, slowly climbing to that mountain towards its peak. During this time it's important to know that my dad had just traveled back to Iowa from Arizona to be closer to the doctors and his family for his battle with stage four lung cancer. He barely made it in time to say goodbye to his dad, my grandpa, and while he was traveling he had contracted pneumonia. He was then hospitalized just like his dad was before him. When I received this news I began to beg leadership to go home early from my deployment so I can be with my dad, I couldn't bare the thought of losing him without saying goodbye in person. My wish was granted and I left my deployment two weeks early, which doesn't sound like a long time, but it was the busiest time of the tour for my team and I felt guilty leaving early. By the Time I made it home from overseas he was released and I visited him two or three times a month until it got closer to the end of May, the end of his life. I received a phone call explaining my dads condition and my heart sunk to my stomach I was on a race against time to get from South Carolina to Iowa, not a fun drive. My oldest sister lives in North Carolina and agreed to carpool on the way there, it was nice to catch up with her, but the reason for the drive had us feeling uneasy about what we were about to expierence. 

    We were right that this was a trip that would change our perspective on life and the word "family". After we arrived I was with my dad's side of the family for about four days while he was on hospice care at the house. If you don't know what hospice care is it basically means they have a nurse that calls, or comes in to check on him until he passes away. He couldn't talk, would hardly move, and slept most of my time there. It really made me wish that I had spent more time with him while he was able to do all those things and that was just the beginning of the guilt that I would feel on that trip. When dad finally passed away and took his last breath I was the one holding his hand, singing his favorite song, making promises that would only cause me more guilt later down the road when I didn't keep them. We didn't get to have a funeral for my pops due to family drama that I won't get into at the moment, however it caused a lot more negative emotions that I knew I couldn’t control. You know from my first post that I have experienced trauma in my past, but i never healed in a healthy way, this vital to know because I didn't know any other way to process my loss than to drink and drown my sorrows deep down in my heart. 

    For the next seven months I would lie to my friends, family, and leadership that I was fine and that I didn't need anything. Little did I know that by drinking unitl I black out, shutting off my emotions, and distracting myself with video games I was slowly killing myself and losing everyone that I loved in the process, but that's the only way I knew how to deal with my emotions until I made an effort to finally get better.

Get Out of That SANDTRAP

    After I was finally able to admit that I did not have control over my emotions, or drinking I enrolled myself in an eight week threapy and rehibillation program where the only thing that I was to worry about is getting my mind right and learn to process my emotions in a healthy way. The one thing I learned from this experience is that when you fall to deep into that sandtrap of negative emotions it's okay to ask for help. In fact it's more than okay, I encourage that no matter how painful the situation is, if you feel like you can't gain control of your feelings by yourself GO GET HELP, there is absolutely zeero shame in asking someone to help.  The lessons you can gain from therapy are so valuable and will jumpstart your  life in the right direction you have to be willing to practice what is preached. I am currently in week two of therapy I continue to practice things I have learned in the lessons and have seen its benefits. I went from drinking every day to working out, reading, and meditating again. I am slowly starting to see my purpose in life and follow my dreams.

   NEXT BLOG

    I know that this was a lengthy blog with an anticlimatic ending, but I want to save the lessons that helped get me on the right track for future blogs. In fact my next blog I will be sharing a lesson that has kept me motivated to continue to try and better myself. Remember 1% better a day and you'll end up 365% better than you were in a year. I cannot wait to write my next blog which will be on Sunday September 18th. Until next time! ✌